Thinks Too Much to Be Sweet

So I am sitting in the theater to see TDKR; this is as good a time as any to make the Batman Post,...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 23:42:52 -0400

So I am sitting in the theater to see TDKR; this is as good a time as any to make the Batman Post, right? Right.

Batman Post.

Here we go.

I have been trying, for what feels like the entirety of my fandom career, to accurately summarize my feelings about Batman! They’re complicated! And they’re complicated in ways that are different, even, from the way my other fandom feelings are complicated— from the way I can’t quite distinguish the material of a fandom from the experience of a fandom, from the way I will forever hold Shoebox in my heart because it brought me Abbey, if nothing else. But Batman, Batman is different. Batman as a fandom is different. Batman as a character is really different.

A few weeks ago, we watched Begins, and I held on, I totally kept it together, until the very end, when Jim says, “I never said thank you,” and Bruce says, “And you’ll never have to,” and then I wept like a child.

I don’t have to. I’m saying it anyways.

When I talk about Batman as a fandom, as you’ve probably noticed, when I get into character analyses and shipping feelings, it’s mostly about everyone but Bruce. I was reluctant to enter the fandom to begin with, because it seemed so *huge*, both in terms of history and cultural significance, but when I did… I talked about Robins. I talked about Babs and Cass and Kate. I don’t really talk about Bruce. Because Bruce— Batman— is still, for me, too big and important a concept to grasp.

Batman, I should say. Batman more than Bruce. Because when I start crying, in half an hour or so? It’s not going to be because of my Bruce Wayne emotions. I don’t have a lot of those. It *is* going to be because I want to say thank you, over and over and over.

Batman’s a symbol, yes? Everyone knows this. It’s kind of Understanding Batman 101. But it’s a symbol outside of the universe, too. I want to say thank you for every time I talked myself down from a nightmare by telling myself that if that happened in real life, Batman would save me. I want to thank you for the week I spent with my cousin reading comic books and providing sound effects. I want to thank you for being an anchor point in even the worst of times: there will always. Be. Batman. Batman is always going to be there, Olivia, and even if I believe in nothing else, it *helped*, sometimes, to believe in that.

And, okay, fine: it’s about having something that’s *mine*, about identity, about belonging, about having friends who know nothing else about me but who know to tell me that they thought of me when they saw a Batman T-shirt in the mall.

Batman, for *years*— Batman, the symbol— has been a reminder that I’m somebody.

And, for better or for worse, this feeling has pretty neatly coincided with the Nolan films. (About a week after Begins came out, my father took me to see it in IMAX; it was one of the most remarkable bonding experiences I’ve ever had with him, and it was the best that a movie had made me feel in a long time. Belonging. Identity. Strength.) Which is why, despite their flaws— of which there are many— I can’t separate myself from them. I can’t escape the way they make me feel, and the way they make me feel is so, so different from the way comic books make me feel.

It’s why I’m going to be crying hysterically in twenty minutes! Because. Batman. Because Batman is imperfect, always, but Batman is constant, and Batman is *mine*. And Batman is abstract enough to mean whatever you want Batman to mean. And this movie. Is going. To kill me.

I don’t know if this explains anything— maybe it doesn’t! But I just needed to get this out, because I am in the theater and I can’t really deal with myself right now.

(Jackie wants a shoutout, so this is the part where I tell you that Jackie is sitting next to me right now, taunting me about fingerstripes. She is a terrible.)

That’s all I have to say.

(ellie this is the sads)

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 00:17:06 -0400

hELP I WANTED HIGHSCHOOL AU TO BE THE HAPPY ONE AND THEN IT WAS A SADS???? also this is vague because I didn’t remember what the exact details were when you were first talking about it? also it makes none sense, but sssshhhhhh

You want a story, John, then here it is: Toby leaves town the night of graduation.

But tell the story yourself, John, because isn’t that what you always wanted, piece it together, find the structure; tell how you waited to apologize, how you searched for him in the crowd, how you finally tapped Sean on the shoulder and asked, “Have you seen Toby?”

“No,” said Sean, and it was a testament to everything that he didn’t seem surprised that you were asking. “No, why, is Toby missing too?”

“What do you mean?” you said.

“I haven’t seen Jack all night,” said Sean, “but I haven’t seen Olan, either, so—”

“Right,” you said, stepping back. “Okay.”

“I’ll let you know if I see him,” said Sean, but he was already piecing it together, and you were already gone.

And Toby is still driving.

This is the story as you tell it, quick cuts between you and him; and that’s a wish, John, okay, *listen*, that’s desperation, that’s you trying to will the two of you closer, connected, like you know what he’s doing and he knows how you feel, when in actuality all he knows are his knuckles white on the steering wheel, the burning in the back of his throat, the crescendo of his own imagination.

That’s how stories go, isn’t it— cars, and beautiful boys who won’t tell you that they love you. Here’s your story, John— it’s a boy driving away.

Besides you, Sean is the first one to text him; “you remember graduation is tonight dont you,” he sends, and then , fifteen minutes later, “please dont be doing anything stupid.”

Ten minutes later he gets a text from Jack— “TOBY WHERE R U COME BACK :(“— followed by another— “Sorry, Olan took my phone.

Please do come back, though.”

And then another from you, and another, and another; and then one from Justine.

“You don’t have to do this.”

You call him. You call him. You call him. He does not answer.

But, John, tell how you went to his house as soon as you could, before the graduation ceremony was even over, and when his mother answered the door she said, “Mr. Green,” like she’d been expecting you. (Everyone knows your story, John; is this what you wanted?)

You said, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I— Toby wasn’t at graduation, and. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

Mrs. Turner looked at you sadly, and then cleared her throat. “Toby…” she started. “Toby had— he had plans to go to California after graduation, and he just— he wanted—”

She looked at you and tried to smile, and she said, “He left.”

You fill in the details, John, this is what you’re good at, tell how you felt the ground drop out from under you, how you felt like your world was ending— and Toby is still driving.

The one call he responds to is from a number he’s only seen a few times; he picks up the phone, and he doesn’t have time to say hello before Hank snaps, “What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving,” Toby says, all mock-casual ”I mean. This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“Yes, because clearly what I was saying was, ‘run to the West Coast without telling anybody,’ Jesus, what is *wrong* with you?”

“I had to—” Toby starts, and Hank is shouting.

“You *can’t do this to him, Toby.*”

Would it make you feel better if that was when Toby started crying? Because he doesn’t, but you can pretend he does. You can pretend he cries for you now, instead of three days later, pretend he breaks down instead of telling Hank, “I had to, okay, look, I had to, we can’t do this, *I* can’t do this, and he deserves—”

This is your story. You fill in the blank.

Hank goes quiet, and then says, “I’ll call you back.”

Toby doesn’t answer the phone again.

He’s still driving, he’s driving until you write the ending, John; so write it.

What are you waiting for?

my dog is lying on the floor with the tennis ball in front of her face because she is a dumb who is...

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 12:11:32 -0400

my dog is lying on the floor with the tennis ball in front of her face

because she is a dumb who is too lazy to stand up and get it

but it looks like she’s having some kind of existential crisis or something

“what is ball?? what is… life”

same, zoe

same

dumb fluff for ellie EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE DYING SSSHHHH ONLY FLUFF NOW

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 11:11:27 -0400

“Hey.” Toby pokes John in the shoulder, rolls over so he’s facing him. “Hey. I have a question.”

“Mmm,” says John, only partly awake, because sex with Toby Turner is just about as tiring as doing anything else with Toby Turner. “Yeah?”

It’s not a particularly exuberant response, but it’s enough; Toby adjusts so he’s almost on top of John,and grins. “Remember that time you said that if you weren’t a teacher, you’d want to be a writer?”

“I didn’t know you were listening,” John says.

“I know!” says Toby, like he’s proud of himself. “But I was wondering— if you were a writer, would you write a book about me?”

Of course he would. John could write a book, could write a whole damn series, about this moment alone: Toby’s smile, Toby’s breath hot on his neck, the deep entrancing terror of being in love with someone you’re definitely not supposed to be in love with. “I don’t know if the world’s ready for you, Toby,” he says.

“Of course they are!” Toby replies, unfazed. “I’m lovable. Ask anybody.”

“I know,” John murmurs, and places his hand on the back of Toby’s neck and kisses him.

There’s a moment of rare quiet, after that, and John is almost asleep again when Toby asks, “What would you call it?”

“What would I call what?”

“The book.”

“You mean the hypothetical book about you that I’m not actually writing?”

“That’s the one.”

“…I don’t know,” John says. “I probably wouldn’t know until I wrote it. “

“How would it start?” Toby asks, after another instant of silence.

John runs his hands through Toby’s hair, and stares at him for a long moment, and finally says, “It would start like this: ‘The way I see it, everyone gets their own miracle; mine just so happened to be that of all the students in all the world, I wound up teaching Toby Turner.”

Toby giggles; John says, “What?”

“Nothing,” says Toby. “That’s just super gay, is all.”

“Yeah,” says John, kidding him again. “I thought you’d like it.”

They fall asleep entangled in each other.

queen0fcups replied to your chat: Jackie: I don’t think I should be allowed out in… If...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 01:57:07 -0400

queen0fcups replied to your chat: Jackie: I don’t think I should be allowed out in…

If you are the alpha of the feels pack, I am honored to run under the full moon with you.

EXCELLENT /HIGH-FIVES

WE FEELS AT SUNDOWN

Jackie: I don't think I should be allowed out in public any more

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 01:55:32 -0400

Jackie: I don't think I should be allowed out in public any more
Jackie: anymore
Jackie: I'm just
Jackie: I'll embarrass everyone
Jackie: I'll be killed
Olivia: hey i have survived this long
Olivia: somehow
Jackie: yeah and you're worse than me
Jackie: you're like the alpha werewolf
Jackie: who turns everyone else
Olivia: yes yES
Jackie: and the more of us there are in the pack
Jackie: the stronger we are
Jackie: so you know
Jackie: just you and me together
Jackie: whatever
Olivia: I AM THE ALPHA OF THE FEELSPACK /ROLLS
Jackie: but put you me and lexi and anna in a room
Jackie: and it's like bombs are going off
Jackie: HEN HAO OLIVIA
Olivia: TAI HAO LE!!!!
Jackie: LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE DONE WHAT YOU WERE SENT TO EARTH TO DO

miarichan: Let’s go find him and give him a medal. The “Not as...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:09:29 -0400

miarichan:

Let’s go find him and give him a medal. The “Not as much of a jerk as you could have been” award.

I just have to post this now.. It’s probably one of my favorite ones from LFCC xD It was a gift from these two awesome people! More photos from our group to come!

Photo by: Ceci
Costume by: Me

ieatsleepdrinktea: “Mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger,...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:06:22 -0400

ieatsleepdrinktea:

“Mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” - Tom Hiddleston, quoting Tom Hardy’s character in Inception.

orpheusdescends: I can’t wait for you to fuck me up in a...

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:01:51 -0400

orpheusdescends:

I can’t wait for you to fuck me up

in a minute, minute

in a fucking minute

jimmy and sebastian choking the absolute shit out of each other

aw c’mon sebby baby are you not having any fun?

spoilsport

i haven’t felt this pleased with art-makin’ in a long long time

viria: please tell me if there’s a reason why I shouldn’t draw...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:56:08 -0400

viria:

please tell me if there’s a reason why I shouldn’t draw dancing Tokka.

I didn’t find one:D

was listening to Jerry Lee Lewis-Wild one. very inspirational if you want to draw someone dancing^^

I never stopped to notice this page before until I was reading...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:54:03 -0400

I never stopped to notice this page before until I was reading Avenging Spider-Man #5 again lolol!

Photo

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:50:15 -0400

"When your mother hits you, do not strike back. When the boys call asking your cup size, say A, hang..."

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:48:04 -0400

“When your mother hits you, do not strike back. When the boys call asking your cup size, say A, hang up. When he says you give him blue balls, say you’re welcome. When a girl with thick black curls who smells like bubble gum stops you in a stairwell to ask if you’re a boy, explain that you keep your hair short so she won’t have anything to grab when you head-butt her. Then head-butt her. When a guidance counselor teases you for handed-down jeans, do not turn red. When you have sex for the second time and there is no condom, do not convince yourself that screwing between layers of underwear will soak up the semen. When your geometry teacher posts a banner reading: “Learn math or go home and learn how to be a Momma,” do not take your first feminist stand by leaving the classroom. When the boy you have a crush on is sent to detention, go home. When your mother hits you, do not strike back. When the boy with the blue mohawk swallows your heart and opens his wrists, hide the knives, bleach the bathtub, pour out the vodka. Every time. When the skinhead girls jump you in the bathroom stall, swing, curse, kick, do not turn red. When a boy you think you love delivers the first black eye, use a screw driver, a beer bottle, your two good hands. When your father locks the door, break the window. When a college professor writes you poetry and whispers about your tight little ass, do not take it as a compliment, do not wait, call the Dean, call his wife. When a boy with good manners and a thirst for Budweiser proposes, say no. When your mother hits you, do not strike back. When the boys tell you how good you smell, do not doubt them, do not turn red. When your brother tells you he is gay, pretend you already know. When the girl on the subway curses you because your tee shirt reads: “I fucked your boyfriend,” assure her that it is not true. When your dog pees the rug, kiss her, apologize for being late. When he refuses to stay the night because you lived in Jersey City, do not move. When he refuses to stay the night because you live in Harlem, do not move. When he refuses to stay the night because your air conditioner is broken, leave him. When he refuses to keep a toothbrush at your apartment, leave him. When you find the toothbrush you keep at his apartment hidden in the closet, leave him. Do not regret this. Do not turn red. When your mother hits you, do not strike back.”

- Jeanann Verlee, Unsolicited Advice to Adolescent Girls With Crooked Teeth and Pink Hair (via ceedling)

fourofthem:

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:39:32 -0400

fourofthem:

gingerberrycat: Jett Stetson appreciation post At first I was...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:38:37 -0400

gingerberrycat:

Jett Stetson appreciation post

At first I was like, Jett Stetson and the Jennifers, but then I realized that made no sense and it became The Jennifers and their pet, Jett Stetson.

wow yes, WOW YES, I WOULD WATCH THAT SHOW FOREVER @_@

endquestionmark: ellewoodsinthetardis: via screams into...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:36:13 -0400

endquestionmark:

ellewoodsinthetardis:

via

screams into eternity is this true

#it’s been a while but #sup jerry #sup josh #how’s...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:33:07 -0400

#it’s been a while but #sup jerry #sup josh #how’s it going

sdlfjslf KELSEY NO I DON’T THINK YOU WANT TO CAUSE THIS DRAGON TO REAR ITS HEAD AGAIN

tenpranks: Fandom!Seb uvu

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:23:11 -0400

tenpranks:

Fandom!Seb uvu

gunslinger: WATCH THE SKY (A Stephanie Brown fanmix) + the...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:13:28 -0400

gunslinger:

WATCH THE SKY (A Stephanie Brown fanmix)

+ the resolution; jack’s mannequin
+ the house that heaven built; japandroids
+ a walk through hell; say anything
+ watch the sky; something corporate
+ help i’m alive; metric
+ the middle; jimmy eat world
+ dog days are over; florence + the machine
+ baptized by fire; spinnerette
+ the widow; as cities burn
+ walking on a dream; empire of the sun
+ stare at the sun; thrice
+ jetsetter; morningwood

your gay is showing → kendall schmidt & logan henderson

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 23:12:41 -0400

your gay is showing → kendall schmidt & logan henderson